Can You Hear It?

If anyone has had any kind of conversation with me recently, it's a good possibility that I have mentioned the book, Birthing the Miraculous, by Heidi Baker. It's been hard not to! Seriously, this book has impacted how I think about every day life. It has challenged me to seek Papa God (I also looove how intimate it is to call God, Papa.) on how to walk in the shoes that he has given to me. It has challenged me to draw nearer and closer and as flat up against him as I can. I want to hear his heart beat. For real. Does anyone remember being a child and leaning up against mom or dad and hearing their heartbeat? That sound would bring a type of comfort that nothing else could. I still get warm and fuzzy feelings when I remember that sound from when I would snuggle up against my mom. And as I was snuggled flat up against her, I would hear her voice. The sound of her voice was strong. And it vibrated with strength and comfort. I knew I was loved. I knew I was safe. Snuggled up against her was one of my most favorite of all places to be. Papa God wants me to snuggle up against him in the same exact way. If I am able to climb into his lap, snuggle up against him, hear his heart beat, and then hear his voice, I would never be the same. And let me tell you, I looong for that depth of intimacy with my Papa God, like I have longed for nothing else. It is such a fabulous state to be in. I have been drawn to the books of the prophets (in the bible)... Reading these books is giving me new insight and perspective and, hopefully, a bit of understanding to the heart of God. The depth of his heart is just so vast. It will take all of eternity to explore - which is thrilling to think of! But for now, the most soul satisfying experience that I can have, is learning to be super still. To lean into him so that I can hear his heart beat. So that I can hear his voice.

Clearing of the Fog

I have been in such a fog since Gramma died. There are even times that I have forgotten that she isn't here. That might seem silly, but she and I were pretty close. We talked, for the most part, at least once a week. I have woken up in the morning a few times and thought, "I need to call Gramma... haven't heard from her in a bit." And then reality slams into my gut. It isn't easy to adjust to life without someone who was so very much a part of it all. I called her phone last week just so I could hear her voice on the answering machine. That may have done more harm than good. I probably won't do that again - but I might. I don't know. It's kind of like torturing my emotions... but I don't want to forget what she sounded like. I honestly believe that this life is just so short. One day (that will most likely come way too quickly) I will be the old lady who dies, leaving behind my sweet family. Gramma said to me just a few days before she died, "it's really strange Jess, to be the one in this position." She had to say goodbye to many loved ones over the years, and then it was her turn to be the loved one people were saying goodbye to. I kind of look at the unknown of actually dying with the same kind of anticipation that I did the first time I was pregnant and would think of what giving birth was going to be like. For me, giving birth and dying are both exciting events because of the joyous end.... I mean, one is a beautiful baby, and the other is eternal joy in heaven with God. I am so happy for Gramma. So happy that she is with Jesus. So happy that she is able to see my Grampa again. So happy that she is not in pain anymore. For real. Until that day, that seems far but really isn't that far away, when I get to stand in the presence of my Savior, I am choosing to embrace life and all that God has for me and my family. I desire to see heaven break into earth. I desire to see and be all that God has for me. It's pretty exciting to think about! I am still mourning my Gramma though. And that is ok... the fog is slowly clearing, and that is a good thing.

The big 3!

This is my now THREE year old. Can you believe it??? It's honestly crazy how quickly time has passed. My Noah David has been such a blessing to our family. I'm so incredibly thankful that he's here and it's such a joy to watch him grow up.

Right now, Noah very much loves, and I mean loves his trains. Thomas the train is his absolute favorite. He also really likes Buzz and Woody from Toy story, and the characters from Cars. And of course, he loves matchbox cars. I mean, what little boy doesn't?
He is learning to use the toilet. Number1 has been mastered, but number 2 is still an issue. All in time :)
He loves to sing the alphabet, Jesus loves me, and You Never Let Go. They are actually part of his bedtime routine. Cute :)
He loves being a big brother too. My prayer is that he and Isaac will be good friends as they grow. He also loves playing with his big sisters. It makes my momma's heart so incredibly happy to see them play well together (most of the time).
I'm praying that year four of his life will be filled with such wonderful growth and joy.
I love you, my Noah David!

Isaac Theophilus

Here's my boy today..... 4 months old!

Isaac: Month 4

My baby is 4 months old today. Crazy that he's that big already... I mean, is it seriously almost November? Wow. Well, this month Isaac has definitely grown :)

1. He is super smiley. All the time. And he's the kind of person that smiles with his eyes.

2. He laughs! And what an awesome laugh he has. It's the kind of laugh that makes me laugh too.

3. He loves his toes. Last week he started to grab his toes while laying on his back. I'm pretty sure they are one of his favorites right now.

4. He still takes the pacifier. The only one of my four to ever take it. I'm hoping that he naturally outgrows it though. I won't be buying a larger size when he's 6 months... I just don't want to have to break the habit when he's 3.

5. He LOVES his brother and sisters. When they are around, he's constantly watching them and absorbing everything they say and do.

6. The door jumper is his new place to be. He likes bouncing in it, but only lasts happily for 15-20 minutes. Not enough time to get dinner made, but it does help.

7. He has regressed a bit in the sleeping at night department. He went from being up once a night to at least 3 times. I know it's normal, but still not easy to handle.

I'll post a picture later of the little man. He's one good looking baby.... if I do say so myself.

A Day Apart in June

Grace Elisabeth is my first baby. The oldest one. Her birthday is the 18th. Fast forward 7 years. Yes, SEVEN. Isaac Theophilus is born on the 19th. My last baby. The youngest one. These two are so precious to me. Each representing the first part and the last part of the baby era in my life.
I love this picture. I'm amazed at the difference in their sizes. Grace was once that small and Isaac will one day - all too soon - be that big. I'm feeling all mushy and sentimental right now. As much as I'm truly done with having any more children, there is a part of me that mourns not carrying another precious babe. It has been such an honor to be blessed in bringing four amazing people into the world. There is much in my heart that I'm not too sure how to express, or even if I can express. The best I can do is say, "Thank you, God". My heart is full. How blessed I am. For real.......I think I may need to look back at this post in the future when I'm having one of those many stressful idon'tthinkicandothismommythinganymore days. Because let's face it, being a mommy is hard. But it is more of a gift and a blessing. And I won't forget that.