Clearing of the Fog

I have been in such a fog since Gramma died. There are even times that I have forgotten that she isn't here. That might seem silly, but she and I were pretty close. We talked, for the most part, at least once a week. I have woken up in the morning a few times and thought, "I need to call Gramma... haven't heard from her in a bit." And then reality slams into my gut. It isn't easy to adjust to life without someone who was so very much a part of it all. I called her phone last week just so I could hear her voice on the answering machine. That may have done more harm than good. I probably won't do that again - but I might. I don't know. It's kind of like torturing my emotions... but I don't want to forget what she sounded like. I honestly believe that this life is just so short. One day (that will most likely come way too quickly) I will be the old lady who dies, leaving behind my sweet family. Gramma said to me just a few days before she died, "it's really strange Jess, to be the one in this position." She had to say goodbye to many loved ones over the years, and then it was her turn to be the loved one people were saying goodbye to. I kind of look at the unknown of actually dying with the same kind of anticipation that I did the first time I was pregnant and would think of what giving birth was going to be like. For me, giving birth and dying are both exciting events because of the joyous end.... I mean, one is a beautiful baby, and the other is eternal joy in heaven with God. I am so happy for Gramma. So happy that she is with Jesus. So happy that she is able to see my Grampa again. So happy that she is not in pain anymore. For real. Until that day, that seems far but really isn't that far away, when I get to stand in the presence of my Savior, I am choosing to embrace life and all that God has for me and my family. I desire to see heaven break into earth. I desire to see and be all that God has for me. It's pretty exciting to think about! I am still mourning my Gramma though. And that is ok... the fog is slowly clearing, and that is a good thing.